April 9, 2020

“Review for a Canvas Fanny Pack,” by Kerry Langan

“Review for a Canvas Fanny Pack,” by Kerry Langan

Heading for Review:  Big Mistake 

Reviewer Name: SheWhoIsDisappointedandIsGoingtoTellYouHowMuch  

I gave this fanny pack one star because there was no option to give it no stars. If you try to leave the 5-star graphic blank, it won’t let you go to the box where you’re supposed to leave the actual review. So, just know that I gave this one star but it should be no stars. Zilch. 

First of all, I ordered an apple green fanny pack from HikeBike.com when they were running that sale a couple weeks ago. Apple green, like the color of grass in July and my favorite sweater and, well, green apples! In the photo they ran during the sale, the fanny pack looks like it would match a Granny Smith. I love apple green. If you opened my closet door, you’d see that almost everything is green. Kevin, my ex, told me once that green was a great color with my brown eyes. He told me I should wear green all the time. But I’d never wear the shade of this fanny pack, a green so dull and dark, it just makes you sigh. If it were any darker, it would be black. Now, I like black, it’s classic. It’s a great neutral color. But, if I’d wanted black, I’d have ordered black, not some sad shade that’s crying out to be something happier. My friend says, “Tiza (my nickname, short for Theresa), why don’t you just send it back?” but I’d have to pay for return shipping and that’s about half the cost of the damn thing. So, I’ll donate it to Goodwill or the Salvation Army or just throw it into one of those bins-for-a-good-cause you see in parking lots. Then I’ll look for an apple green fanny pack from a different vendor. If anyone has a suggestion where to get one, could you leave a comment? Thanks. Or just say anything you want. Maybe you too love green and understand my disappointment. Maybe you just ordered something, I don’t know, a T-shirt in a rich shade of royal blue only to have a navy one show up. You understand that stab of anger when you first lay eyes on something that was supposed to make you smile. Getting a package in the mail is one of the great things in life. It’s not supposed to be a downer. Misery loves company, though, so if that happened, I’m here for you. Okay, this review is getting a little long, so I’ll stop. Is there a word limit? Anyway, to sum up, if you order this fanny pack and think you’re going to get it in a cheery shade of green, you’re mistaken. And then, when you remember that you paid money – good money! – for such a lousy feeling, you’ll feel even angrier. Then, to really piss you off, you get this urgent (so urgent!) e-mail asking you to leave a review for the disappointment that just arrived in the mail. Normally, if whatever I order matches the description, I’ll give it 5 stars and say “Thanks!” in the comment section. I should say more, but who has time? Well, Kevin does. I hear he lost his job at Trader Joe’s, so he has time. I mean, would it kill him to pick up the phone and call me? How long would that take? I’m not saying we should get back together. I just want to talk, you know? I’d keep it light, tell him about this fanny pack screw-up. It’s too bad because the fanny pack is a nice size, has a deep pocket and fits pretty comfortably around my waist. I guess that’s good for one star, so, yeah, I give it one star.  


A fanny pack, seriously?  Are they back in style? I wouldn’t be caught dead with a fanny pack.  

It unfair that you have to pay return shipping. I hate it when they do that. 

Hi! I made $2,000 a week working from home and you can too! No experience necessary.  Must have computer and phone.  Call Market Magic between 9 and 5 EST and ask for Ed.  1-800-712-3011.   

Whoever this Kevin is, he’s lucky to be done with you. He doesn’t give a crap about your damn fanny pack. Talking about him in a review on a retail website? Are you kidding me? Get a life. 

I ordered a water bottle from Hike and Bike last year and it arrived dented on the side. I tried to call them but I was on hold for so long, I gave up. I’d trade you for the fanny pack if you need a dented water bottle, lol.   

I would still send it back and enclose a letter that you want to be reimbursed for everything, shipping too, and tell them you’re going to report them to Better Business Bureau if they don’t. I did that once with a store and got a full refund. 

Color means a lot to me, too.  I think I saw fanny packs at H&M. . .or maybe Forever 21?  Anyway, they had green, but it was more of a Kelly green, not bright green like a Granny Smith. The strap was black and the zippers were white, I think. It might not be perfect, but it’s better than the almost-black thing you have now.  You might check these stores out.  I can’t remember how much it cost, but nothing there is pricey. Good luck with Kevin. I hear the Whole Foods is hiring in a lot of cities so you could call him and tell him that. That would be a not too pushy reason to call him.  😉 

Hike and Bike Customer Service 
Hi, SheWhoIsDisappointed, We’re sorry to hear you don’t like our product.  Please contact our customer service department at 1-800-Hear-You. They will interview you regarding any flaws in the product and, afterwards, ask you to complete a brief survey about customer satisfaction. We can’t wait to hear from you! 


About Kerry: “My fiction has appeared in more than 40 literary journals, including StoryQuarterly, Cimarron Review, West Branch, American Literary Review, The Seattle Review, The Antigonish Review, Other Voices, Rosebud, Minerva Rising, Main Street Rag, and others. I’ve published 3 collections of short fiction: Only Beautiful & Other Stories, Live Your Life & Other Stories, and My Name Is Your Name & Other Stories. My non-fiction has appeared in Working Mother, Philosophical Mother, and various anthologies. Additional work is forthcoming in The Blue Mountain Review.” 

This is her first feature on The Fictional Café.

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#fanny pack#humor#product review#short story

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